If you only knew...

It surprised me how much work it took to wrap a present but I started it

and after about 20 minutes of putting up a fight with the hotpink ducktape. But I won..

So...I Lied.

I said I was back, then forgot again. Of course I did. I say something and never really do it.

But I'm determined to write in this blog a lot more starting ...now.

Things on my mind:

• Ash's Birthday Present
• Work
• School
• Boys..(But not really)

Ash's birthday is coming up. And hes a really hard guy to shop for. Hes sort of into random things like movies and magic and stuff. That's not random. But things I don't know about, which makes him hard to shop for. But finally, I've thought of the perfect present or at least I thought I did. I half want to tell him just because I'm good at ruining it. But threes also a major chance its a really stupid gift. But we'll see.

Work, I love and hate it. I spend 6 hours hating it then when my shifts over and I'm walking home I think to myself. God I love my job. I don't understand why I love it. Its so hot in there, its messy, I come home with all these cuts and scrapes. But somehow I manage to come home with a smile on my face. It could be that I'm happy the shift is over, that makes sense...I don't plan to quit. Although sometimes I think I should.

School starts tomorrow. Another year in hell I guess, Every time I start school I tell myself this years going to be a change, something different, maybe I will be better. But really..Nothing changes, friends change, grades change. But somehow I manage to be the quiet shorty I am. Maybe I need to grow. It might help, that or I can talk to people I don't know instead of people I do know. I'll let people see the real me. Not the quiet me that most people see. I guess I'm 2 sided. Ash sees the real me, people in my classes don't.

People don't really understand. I was talking to this guy whose shy also (some how we both managed to talk...wow) and he felt the same way. My mind wants me to talk, but my mouth doesn't. Its like half your mind holds you back from saying what you want, while the other half just says "Do it". Eventually the chance of talking goes away and your left with the harsh mental abuse comments in your head. Stupid ass, dummy, you know you could have said something. Believe me. It sucks. I guess I should work on that, talking to everyone and not giving a damn what they think.

Its Monday, September 1st 2008. And things will change. Because now...

I don't give a damn.

-Benjamin-

Im Bacck

Miss me? I completely admit to orgetting about my blog. Which is sad since I've done nothing this summer so I probably should be keeping myself busy. I also probably should be leaving the house more often. I've only left the house was to see Ash once and to go to work. Which leads me to my news. I have no life. Its been decided.

I got a job which basically sucks but I guess all jobs suck. I've worked there 3 weeks and so far no pay. Me and my boyfriend broke up which leads me to pretty much hating most people right now. I've started a few fights lately which probably isnt too good. I wouldn't say this is my favourite summer. I sit in a room of purple all day. I'm sure I could leave the house but I hate asking for people to hang out and I dont like calling people. I find it awkward. But I want to go swimming, swimming alone isnt too lonerish is it?..I could bring my brothers...Wow im desperate.

I've just sorta of babbled today. Usually somethings on my mind. But I think ive had to much time to think things through. I'm sure i'll find something to blog about soon.

Benjamin

Because yesterday..

Since yesterdays post wasn't too great and everything. I'm not going to post much today. I'm going on a trip today and wont be back till sunday. But here. I found this picture.

God damn.

Ever feel like someone is trying to hurt you? Like they find that one small thing in your life and twist it so bad that you can't help but cry. And now matter how hard to try to not cry you cry even louder. Its worse when that person not only tries to make you cry but they talk down to you in a manner of making you feel like shit and you feeling like tomorrow is to far away so why not end your life today. Wow that rhymed I must be a poet. But that's not my point. But some people god if I was taller I'd smack them so hard. I'm not saying I'm crying right now.. Well maybe I am but really it doesn't matter. But sometimes you get that feeling like that ball of anger in your chest and then your eyes get a little sore you don't cry ..no not yet..but then you get one tear and you wipe it away then another then soon your bawling then your face feels dried out and crappy and all you can think about is one tequila two tequila three tequila floor.

Benjamin...The life story.So my

So lets start off a little introduction here. My name im not sure if I've mentioned is not my name. And then name "Benjamin" was just chosen at random. You see I have all this junk on my desk and after talking to ash about how I should start up a blog I went to the website clicked sign up went through it and where it said I needed a username I looked over and on my desk was this movie "Private Benjamin" and I was like Benjamin that will do. So thats why im Benjamin.
So now explaining all this we get to the simple point of why this forum is called Gobstopper. All you really have to do is change the top paragraph words that say "Benjamin" and change them to Gobstopper. See take a look at this.
[quote]And then name "Gobstopper" was just chosen at random. You see I have all this junk on my desk and after talking to ash about how I should start up a blog I went to the website clicked sign up went through it and where it said I needed a username I looked over and on my desk was this movie "Private Gobstopper" and I was like Gobstopper that will do.[/quote]
See it almost makes sense? Up top theres this awesome guitar shirt banner thing? Its pretty cool Ash took the pic and sent it back to me all edited and stuff. I think its awesome.
So my day today, it was pretty boring during the time of 8:30-3:30 but then me and Ash went out to dinner, we to the movie place, go icecream then bussed home because I'm that lazy. After Ash got off the bus the bus stopped for like 10 minutes it was weird I didn't notice till a few minutes later. But I made it home in 2 pieces which is always healthy. See ya!

Those secret little conversations.

Ever walk into a room and see everyone stop talking and look at you? And not only do they look at you but they give you this look that just makes you want to say "Good night everybody" and just walk out of the room. Thats what happend this morning, after waking up dragging myself a few blocks to school I walk in and I get that evil glare that makes you feel so pathetic. So I go sit down and people start talking again but the whole class im wondering what they were looking at. A few hours later I'm in another class hanging with ash (he's got a blog too) and I look a few tables down and people are looking at me and whispering. I think whispering could be considered worse then an evil glare. But atleast with whispering you don't get the awkward silences. But either I feel pathetic.

A few things on my mind today, might aswell write them down. Some times I feel like a horrible person. Like I messed with someones emotions. I really don't think I did but sometimes I have those thoughts. Not to long ago I broke up with someone I had been seeing him for about 3 months and I ended it quiet quickly and didnt want to give the reason why. I really thoguht I loved him but about a day later I realised that maybe I didn't and I just thought I did. I got over the relationship so quickly, 4 days later I was with someone else. I know I don't love that someone else. I know I like them alot though and I know the relationship grows everyday. But I still have that feeling that I hurt the other person. People say I should have waited awhile long to be with the person I'm with now.

I guess im impatient and its too late anyways. I can't end a relationship wait a month or so and get together with someone else. I would just be digging myself deeper into a problem. So now I remain happy in my relationship but feel that small hint of guilt. I guess life goes on.

Lets just jump into this shall we?

Ever stop to think and forget to start again? That is basically what just happened to me. I'm starting this blog to basically say whats on my mind. I used to write things down on a note pad about how much I hated every damn thing.

But I might as well just write it out online. Awhile back I was at this camp. The type of camp where everyone cries near then end. But one of the questions they asked us was "Are you happy with your life?". Of course me being myself answered yes "I'm happy with my life". But after a few days I thought to myself "Am I truly happy with my life?". Which still after about 2 months has me thinking.

If I'm having to wonder if I'm happy with my life then I must not be. Maybe I'm just walking that line of happiness and sadness. So now I have myself thinking, How do I jump to being happier. Is there something I need in life and I don't have?. I'm sure everyone needs something in life whether its more money or a new camera. There is always something that we think would make us the happiness man alive. But I don't want $1 000 000, and I don't need a hummer. I think helping others and making them happy gives me that sense of pride. Knowing I can make someones life a bit more better makes me sleep better at night. So starting tommorrow I'm making someones life a bit better.

Total Edit:

After writing all this down and reading another person blog I came to the conclusion that I could 1) Probably write more. and 2) Maybe write a bit mroe of an introduction. So About myself.

I'm BenJamin. I'm a girl (believe it or not). No point knowing my age, I've met 12 year olds more matture then I am. Which I find a tad depressing but lifes no fun with out a little bit of that eh?

I like speaking my opinions thats one thing you will always hear from me, my opinion. I don't think it matters if you don't agree. I may have shut my brain off again or I might be new at this. Basically in my life I eat sleep and talk. I dont do this much but I really like to go on adventures. Of course this starts to show how immature I really am but if it doesn't matter to me it shouldn't matter to anyone else. But the other day I bused around the city for about 4 hours. People may not think its fun but I certainly enjoyed it.

So I believe this is the start up of my blog. Welcome to my life everybody :)