Semi New Banner

Originally Ash had made me a banner, now that I've managed learn some photo shoppin' skills/cheats I spruced it up a bit, added a new font and a lipstick mark. I'm totally diggin' it are you?

My new single soul is getting used to it. I'm finding I'm having a great time just being single. I found that I really do have a great roommate, and in my opinion 1/5 ain't to shabby. Last night we completely Jamaican showered(non sexual) then just chilled and she talked about how awesome I was and how easy I was to talk to. A lot of people say that so I guess its true. I wish they could solve some of my problems though, but I'm not really complaining.

Since it has stopped snowing I'm finding that weather is nice and I'm feeling a lot better about myself. I've gained quite a lot of weight since starting college but I've been told I was too skinny. With all my weight gain its pretty much gone to the good spots anyways so I'm alright with it.

I've got college exams all week  and I haven't felt like studying lately. I hope I start soon, I'm getting pretty nervous about the exam. I hope I can pull it all off. Anyways, good night for now.

Pas Encore, Pas Encore

Lets just say..Its been maybe two weeks and I'm still looking for it. I've run into a few problems while looking for this though.

I went on a "datey" thing last night, it was alright but their is certain problems with it. I've known this guy for awhile hes a class mate of mine and I wouldn't consider him my type. Theres 2 problems this him. One being he's got himself into a nice criminal record..which had him under house arrest for quite sometime. Apparently he "smashed" the face in of some guy and the guy needed plastic surgery to fix it. That sort of thing makes this guy not my type. I believe violence is never the answer.

My second problem is while on facebook I've noticed another female always writing on his wall saying stuff like "I love you" or "I miss you and am so glad to be with you". I've sort of questioned him about it since he seems like hes going after me. He just says he is single. So now I don't know what to do.. I hung out with him last night and we had some ..relations, but I find myself extremely guilty. I completely think its wrong to cheat on someone and I wouldn't want his maybe girlfriend to get hurt or for me to cause any drama. So for now I guess im stuck making a decision about this. I don't want to hurt anyone and I definitely don't want to be hurt myself. 

On another note...

To sum up the previously previous post..I did end up technically finding a prom date, except my parents had gotten into that huge fight so I should up to prom shit faced my date avoided me and I made out with a girl for at least an hour. Interesting night, I made alot of friends after that just not the crowd I want.

To sum more up. Me and Ash sort of drifted apart for a few months but I've seen him a fair amount this month which is great due to the fact I moved 3 hours away for college. We have sort of made plans to go across Canada for about a month and a half I really hope it works out, it seems like a great experience.

To sum more x2 up. I'm in college for culinary I freaking hate it, I get all nervous and worked up before I go to class and was told I have anxiety attacks. But soon that will change, I'll go back to living with my parents...no bed this time. And I will hopefully spend the next 2 months as a paper pusher or some office job that perhaps a monkey could pull off. I want something like this because my next course goes into business then hopefully go into university for that. The thought of me going to university makes my parents laugh. They don't think I can do it but I think I've become a hard worker lately and may be able to pull it off.

Life....And a Theory on Relationships.

Wow, I Haven't blogged in a year. So to catch myself up on my bloggingness and my life. I'm currently in college for culinary. Right now it sucks I hate it I'm so stressed that sometimes I just want to come home just to cry. I also have a bunch of other problems, like roommates..Fuck them who needs them. I used to be really shy before college but now anymore I guess thats the only real good part about college, that and alot of life lessons learned. 

So another story, I met a guy and dated him for almost 8 months. We were about to move in together and I had gotten completely prepared to move in with him, I even gave away my bed since we were going to move in and would need a much bigger one. Right at the end after almost all apartment paperwork was completed he changed his mind and he ended up breaking up with me. I'll admit its a slap in the face, but for the most part I've tried to hold my head high and not let it get to me although sometimes I have some break downs. 

Through all of this drama we have managed to hang out just like we used to and I keep hoping that maybe we ill get back together but I know I'm wasting my time. Every time I ask him he says maybe and that we have to work on things. But after he says stuff like this he starts to say things like I'm not working on the relationship or that I don't seem like I want to get back together with him. To be honest I think this is total bullshit I ask him all the time if there is even a chance and I really started to think I should just stop trying. 

So today I decided I'm just going to move on from all this, plenty of fish in the sea. Today I made some healthy choices and did of thinking I've started to realize that a relationship is like a tattoo, everyone tells you not to get this "tattoo" and for the most part we do it anyways. After awhile we start to realize this "tattoo" really isn't working out but its on us and it will be hard to get off. As any tattoo, it is a scar on your body or in this case your heart. The only way of getting rid of it is covering it with a new design aka another person or you can remove it, which often can take a lot of treatment and healing. I think my tattoo is too big to cover, so I'm going to remove it. I don't know what image this tattoo has but I know it wasn't my best choices in design.

Busy...

I know, I'm not on much I always forget my password then just give up trying to get in. I really do make my passwords to complicated, But maybe thats just a good thing. So as far as this school year has been going I think I liked last year better...Really not sure how to start this up and start writing again. I met this guy, lets call him Beans. He's in my english class and sits in front my of and I sit far in the back. So in september Beans was rolling a joint in his desk and I couldn't help but laugh..his filter sucked. Beans asked for my cell number which I then gave him and I began the 4-5 month journey of smoking a lot of pot. Course I guess I could consider Beans a friend which realy he is. We laugh, talk, ..he kissed me a few times..Then got another girl friend ..But I'm fine with that. But me smoking pot almost everyday has opened me up to meeting new people yet I'm finding my grades slowly slipping away and some past friends looking down on me. Which to be honest the friends I don't care for much anyways. I like to talk to the people I like to talk to and sometimes I feel like I am constantly hushed. And Beans doesn't do that. He likes when I speak my mind. Probably cause I tend to point out what people think about and never mention. But Beans is someone to talk to. I guess I don't talk to Ash as much wish I did but hes got new friends and unless I'm high its pretty hard to get me talking to new people. Anyways I've done my fair share of stupid things with guys this year. Lets see I noodled with a guy, lets call him Zebra..He basically led me on enoguh so he can get off then stop talking to me a few weeks later. He walked past me in the hall the other day I smiled and said Hey Zebra and he just walekd past me. I guess when you fuck someone you forget who they are. Either way I shouted back asshole. He knows who he is..Fuck you Zebra.
Another encouter was with Indiana Jones... I was high...He wasn't. Spoke to him the next day and he was like I like some girl. And I was like ....good to know buddy..Guess thats my life..I get high..I whore up..and I stress about the fucking prom way to much. I don't want to go alone. Please for fuck sakes if there is a god out there ask him to find me someone I like. And get me a pretty dress..I deserve to sparkle atleast one night a year.

If you only knew...

It surprised me how much work it took to wrap a present but I started it

and after about 20 minutes of putting up a fight with the hotpink ducktape. But I won..

So...I Lied.

I said I was back, then forgot again. Of course I did. I say something and never really do it.

But I'm determined to write in this blog a lot more starting ...now.

Things on my mind:

• Ash's Birthday Present
• Work
• School
• Boys..(But not really)

Ash's birthday is coming up. And hes a really hard guy to shop for. Hes sort of into random things like movies and magic and stuff. That's not random. But things I don't know about, which makes him hard to shop for. But finally, I've thought of the perfect present or at least I thought I did. I half want to tell him just because I'm good at ruining it. But threes also a major chance its a really stupid gift. But we'll see.

Work, I love and hate it. I spend 6 hours hating it then when my shifts over and I'm walking home I think to myself. God I love my job. I don't understand why I love it. Its so hot in there, its messy, I come home with all these cuts and scrapes. But somehow I manage to come home with a smile on my face. It could be that I'm happy the shift is over, that makes sense...I don't plan to quit. Although sometimes I think I should.

School starts tomorrow. Another year in hell I guess, Every time I start school I tell myself this years going to be a change, something different, maybe I will be better. But really..Nothing changes, friends change, grades change. But somehow I manage to be the quiet shorty I am. Maybe I need to grow. It might help, that or I can talk to people I don't know instead of people I do know. I'll let people see the real me. Not the quiet me that most people see. I guess I'm 2 sided. Ash sees the real me, people in my classes don't.

People don't really understand. I was talking to this guy whose shy also (some how we both managed to talk...wow) and he felt the same way. My mind wants me to talk, but my mouth doesn't. Its like half your mind holds you back from saying what you want, while the other half just says "Do it". Eventually the chance of talking goes away and your left with the harsh mental abuse comments in your head. Stupid ass, dummy, you know you could have said something. Believe me. It sucks. I guess I should work on that, talking to everyone and not giving a damn what they think.

Its Monday, September 1st 2008. And things will change. Because now...

I don't give a damn.

-Benjamin-